Why is it that when I'm exhausted and husband goes to sleep in baby's room to let me have a rest, I then find myself WIDE AWAKE from 4am?

And why is everyone else asleep?

Save time- have 3 bad ideas in 1 day

We went to Southampton today to pick up a doll's pushchair for Florence, so she won't keep trying to push her own one precariously along with her hands way over her head.  This was not a bad idea.

Trying to combine it with other things was:

1- allowing the sat nav to take us to where Hobbycraft ought to have been, but where, instead was something which looked like a derelict mill over a tiny bridge, with lots of Private and Keep Out signs that we refused to accept in the hopes of still finding a massive craft store somewhere amongst all this.

2- IKEA on a rainy October Sunday afternoon- it took an hour to travel a 10 mins journey, then half an hour to get into the building, by which point we were nearly but not quite, past caring.  What finished me off was finding they were out of brochures.  However, we were grateful for the baby changing room with soft lighting and comfy sofas, rendered slightly less peaceful for the 200 decibel tannoy with frequent and lengthy customer announcements. Managed to escape after spending less than a million pounds on several bath mats and an owl cushion that Florence went mental for.

3- Actually thinking a Furby was a good way to pass an hour long journey home.  Florence watched me take the back off with a screwdriver and put the batteries in then stared in horror as the thing jabbered away non-stop for the 20 mins we coped with before cracking.  She handed it back to me several times, aghast. After the batteries came out again, she had more fun playing with the screwdriver until we got home.  hoping for  a refund despite tampered with packaging. Doubt I'm the first.

Still Fat

... and now also beyond sleep deprived.  Whatever odd ramblings fall out of my head here at 1.05am, I shall keep them to laugh at one day when madame refuses to get out of bed before 2pm.

To follow up yesterday's whine about being fat, I decided to do something constructive, so got googling no-effort instant fixes for the fat.  My findings:

Lipo- I'm not paying out thousands for anything that isn't guaranteed instant permanent results, even if I had the money.  I mean by this that for the price of a luxury holiday I expect to be able to lie around all day eating custard creams and stay at one stone.  When I add together all my problem areas, ie anything above my toes, it runs into 5 figure sums. Ironic that the fees mean I could have the holiday or the bikini body but not both... Plus, OUCH.

Laser Lipo- I'm not paying out a couple of hundred a month for the rest of my life for minimal change- at that point I might as well do something radical like diet and exercise. Plus every treatment that doesn't involve general anaesthetic seems to call itself laser lipo, starting at the top with treatments that sound pretty painful and surgical to me, despite calling themselves otherwise, to the other end of the scale where someone rubs goop into you while you read a magazine, presumably to distract yourself from the fact that nothing's actually happening.

All the other lipos with their trendy names of the moment and TMs.  Basically either the first or second above, just usually impossible to find a price.

Which leaves girdles.   I'm not paying out around £100 for a bit of elastic, even if it would clearly deliver as promised and be returnable if not. Why not? No idea- probably seems too cheap and easy in the long run, plus if and when I lose those 2 stone, it wouldn't fit any more. No, I wouldn't need it, but that's not the point, or is it? If only I could get a compression garment for my brain.

Which leaves - holding my stomach in, or the Tupler Technique, as it's called for a DVD and price. Breathe in.

Fat

I've got a dear friend coming over today and we're both a bit down in the dumps, so I thought I'd take it up a notch and weigh myself.  And I was right- the jeans haven't shrunk; I've crept back over the Xstone mark.

So I still have a stone to lose (two if I'm honest, but one would do very nicely thank you).

Here are my excuses/whinges:

I haven't had a full night's sleep for 5 months, in fact I haven't had more than 4 hours' continuous sleep in that time- it's usually 2 and at the moment I'm lucky and getting 3.  When I get up, therefore, I feel beyond tired, I feel like I'm running on empty and desperately need fuel to get through the day.

I tried cutting back and immediately felt even more dizzy than I do normally, which alarms me, since I'm in charge of a person all day.

I'm still b-feeding.  That might make a difference?

Whenever I can, I go for long walks, 3 miles or so.  Then it snows again and scuppers it, or at best pours down with rain, which is not particularly conducive to pushing a pram about.

Did I mention that I'm REALLY tired?  I'm also stressed- there's a lot going on: the house, jobs, car trouble, basically every aspect of my 'life' is out of my control, very expensive and very stressful. 

Here is my motivation:

I have a friend coming over to the UK in July who I haven't seen for years and years.  She used to be a big girl, but now has 4 children and has started running a lot of marathons, so she's now stick thin and muscly.  I don't want to be a blob when we meet and there's 3 months between now and then.

I threw out a ton of clothes that I love last night- I was really upset to do so, but more upset to find they don't go anywhere near me.  Clearly, hanging on to them for when I'm thin again hasn't worked, and I don't like buying fat clothes, so it's this one pair of stretch jeans until the situation improves.  I couldn't bear to throw out one top which took ages to knit, so I hope that might motivate me as well. It's this one- not the best photo, but behold waist.  And I've just discovered you can copy and paste on this thing...



Half the clothes I slung out were awful- they did for the office as I wasn't seen, but not how I want to be seen by new employers/collegues.  Most of the skirts were just there because they went round me, which is not good enough!

I don't think I eat vast amounts of things, just that they tend to be fatty, like cheese and salami to fill me up quickly, and I have to grab a bit when I can, so a sandwich or toast is quickest.  And food never seems to fill me up.  And other than making a decision to go out for a walk, including baby preparation time of half an hour, I don't really move around- I'm sitting with my eyes on her or sitting feeding her, or standing changing her, but as I can't let her out of my sight, there's no option for running around, other than getting dinner ready in 10 seconds flat.

I wish I had a plan, but if I lost a pound a week I'd be a stone lighter and a size smaller in time for friend's arrival, but even if I lost half that, I'd fit my one pair of jeans and not hang over the top of them, and definitely look better than I do now.

So- inconclusive.

I think this proves I have absolutely nothing to say...

...because I'm going to talk about crinkle.  I understand crinkle enhances a toy into becoming a stimulating sensory experience, but I put it to you that there is a a) time and b) a place for such stimulation and a) whilst falling asleep and b) in a pillow is not it/are not they ( I seem to have fallen into a syntax black hole).

So, much as we love the jungle themed baby gym, we were less than enamoured with Mr Lion's crinkly pillow mane, especially after watching little one complete a full and stimulating workout, to then drift gently into a nap, then be rudely awakened every single time she moved one atom of her being in the general direction of the crinkle.

Mr Lion underwent emergency surgery at dawn one sleep-deprived morning, and has never troubled us since.  It was for the best.